The ART (& SCIENCE) of JUDGING people. Why we FAIL. And how to be an EXPERT!

Judging People

By: Olga Brooks

Who said that judgement is an art? I did.

You might think judging is not an art, but an ability or a human condition and maybe it is more an art of not judging. Well, judge for yourself!

Olga Brook
Olga Brooks

It is amazing that we are able to judge others as early as 3 years of age according to Psychology Today. Think about yourself as a baby, all happy until you get hungry, wet or tired. You didn’t ask where that mom was with your bottle. Was she doing dishes again instead of looking at you to keep you happy? You just cry showing dissatisfaction letting her know what it is you want.

But when you start speaking this is where all fun begins. Before it was observing and repeating. Now it’s “I don’t want to do that. Do I have to do that? Why can’t I run? Why can’t I climb? Why? Why?” And if you have a sibling, mom might never know “who did it?”

I remember working as a preschool teacher when one mom came to me and asked if I could give my opinion who out of her two boys would be more inclined to lie. I was their teacher. I spent a few years with them. The mom herself of course knows her children. But even here that judgmental part of us could be wrong. And she is as mom didn’t want to make a wrong judgment. See, this is art. She finds other ways to see the situation. I knew who was the naughty one. And of course we all know we all lie but there is a part of the character that can tell this one is the naughty one. I took the weight of her judgmental guilt upon myself.

Olga Brooks

Judgement is a given developing ability that everyone has. You can’t not have it. It is a part of our protective mechanism that our ego plays a big part in. And this is how word art comes in.

Think about martial arts. Everyone has a fist and knows how to punch and kick a person. When kids are little they just kick or punch until they learn that it’s harmful and they stop over time to do so and use other tools when they are frustrated. Learning martial arts gives you so much understanding how to control yourself and your aggressor. You use techniques and strategies of different parts of your body and strength to deal with the situation.

But here we are with our judgment totally on the loose. Not strategies or rules and regulations. The most important to talk about here is the harm of judgment. And yes, judgement I would call #1 destroyer of any relationship. Think about yourself and all the moments you were judged. And now did it feel to you and would you be ok with being judged again. Think about every moment you have judged others. Did this sound like a judgement to you?
Here we have to look at the complexity of judgement.

Notes To My Younger Self
Get it on Amazon by clicking here: Notes to my Younger Self

It comes from many places within a person. But we will look at just a few. The main one is dissatisfaction. The second one is insecurity. And the third one is pain.

Dissatisfaction leaves no guilt within us for judging others. You feel entitled and righteous making your judgment out loud or in your thoughts. Insecurity has a double-edged sword. You feel guilt for judging another person not even noticing it sometimes because in your subconscious you know it’s your problem and not the other person’s per-se.

But here you create a lot of harm to another person. Because ego plays a huge game here to protect itself from being discovered. A person will do anything, and I mean anything for that not to happen. And pain is a trigger factor and is usually blind in this case. When we experience similar pain we already had in our life we will do anything to avoid it. We blame others for creating it for us again. So, this is in short.

But let’s look now at how harmful judgment really is. Judgment can destroy a person. Judgment divides cultures and countries and people. Judgment hurts deeply. It creates emotional wounds a person can carry within himself for a lifetime. Judgement in childhood creates an insecure person who struggles in life.

Do you see how important it is to look at judgment and stop preaching about it only at churches. Well, what can we do you might ask? If this is a natural human condition of our protective mind?

You learn about it. Right now you are learning. Step two is noticing.

Notice first the source of your judgment. Is it coming from the place of dissatisfaction or from the place of pain or your own insecurities? At this moment you use your “martial arts” sort of speak technique.

That’s where your honesty kicks in. Be honest to yourself. Talk to your ego and say “I understand this is my weak part and you are trying to protect me.” When you make your ego feel better and relaxed you can make a choice of not harming a person and yourself and move higher and become a hero. To that person, to those who witness it and to even yourself. Ooooh, this sweet moment that we all love witnessing in the movies but don’t permit ourselves to experience it in real life.

Do you see what I am trying to show you here?
I have an honorary black belt in karate and teach classes. But I am not a master in the art of judgment. I had played my part in hurting people. And that is why I am talking here to everyone about it. We need this conversation. We need this awareness of selves.

If we start judging others by observing others then I believe we can also not judge by observing self. If you have a young child, teach how to redirect that young life into a positive thinking about himself. The most valuable lesson I have learned working with kids is to give them permission to make mistakes and let them know that it’s ok to make them.

“Everyone makes mistakes. This is how we learn and know”, I would say and the child would relax and believe that she is ok. We can start by being our own teachers and give ourselves permission to make mistakes. When we dont judge ourselves we are protecting ourselves from emotional disturbances and pain from being judged by others. But it also trains us not to be harsh with others. It is not easy not to judge. But owning a black belt in any martial art is not easy as well. You just need a good teacher and practice.

You already have that teacher and that is you. Now keep practicing. See you at “the black belt” tournament hopefully soon.


Read Olga’s previous articles: 

How to Hope once again! Trust helps!

How to be your own Guru!

Olga Brooks is a Sound Reiki healer, guide to shift feminine energy leading women to the harmony of self, an inspirational international bestselling author and one of the leaders of the global feminine movement “Women of contribution”. Olga is an actress from a young age in Russia improving her craft in the USA. Being a very artistic person she finds herself drawn to create art and music in collaboration with other talented people and on her own. Her amazing spiritual and personal abilities create magic in people’s lives. Her book is Notes to My Younger Self. Available on Amazon.

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